Letter to my baby niece

 Dearest Mikaela

I can't wait to see you soon.
Missing out on your growth was the hardest part for me.

All those videos I make of my shared moments with you?

Those were my coping mechanisms ~to stop the missing but it sometimes made me feel worst. I don't remember how life was before you.

Remember that occasion when a snotty little boy poked you in the eye at the playground?

OMG - in my anger and anxiety that you could be hurt, I wanted to crush the lil punk like a cockroach but because you were watching and maybe still in a state of shock, I didn't want you to see this ugly and cruel side of me.

So, I let that boy off but not without telling his parents and helper what an annoying and rude brat he was. You make me want to be a better person and I want nothing but the best for you.

All these time that I am alone here? I've been saving recipes to bake you gluten-free muffins, bread (you love bread, don't you?) and healthy soups. Oh, I need to save for an oven too. :) I can't wait to bake with u as my little helper.

I promise to not impose my expectations on you, for you're your own person. You will get my support in everything that you want to do. I promise to always listen before I speak.

Please always know that I am trying my best to be a better auntie to you.

I'll pray that you'll always be kind even when when you're angry; wise even when faced with temptations and strong even when you're faced with adversities.

Loving you muchly,
your auntie René

Hello, I am glad to have met you.

Dear you,

23th March 2011 would have been the last time that our paths have crossed. I watched you with intense curiosity, and committed all the details of your face and expressions to memory, for I know that I will never see your face again. I feel your sadness even when you laugh. It must have been very lonely for you.

I want to let you know that I will keep you in my prayers. That you will find your way back to Him. That you will find what you're looking for, and succeed in keeping it close and alive within your being. That you will be the best that you can be, and more. That you will find the strength and determination to achieve what you've planned for in life. Life will sort itself out, and you too, will find a middle ground to grow.

I thank Him for letting our paths crossed. For without our paths crossing, I would have never known that I could feel hope and joy in meeting someone like you. Please don't feel embarrassed - what I am saying is, through you, I have a better grasp of what I could enjoy in a person. I have never felt like that before. Only through you did I feel that there's hope.

I will pray that you will find a soulmate who will bring out the best in you, and make you be the one that you want to be.

If our paths should cross again, I will look into your eyes and tell you, "Thank you, Mate. Wouldn't have made it without you".

Love,
Pigpower Me.

Love and Sacrifice

Every day, i wake up wondering how am I going to ensure that I am going to make every waking hour matter, monetarily. It was a reaction that stemmed from the need for survival.

I was struggling between spending my Sundays working vs going for my faith formation class and having missed two classes, the onset of guilt didn't help. The saddest part? I wasn't even productive at work.

Last Sunday, I decided to go for the faith formation class - because, I have been very well-taken care of Him. I was struggling and I had no one to share this fear and uncertainty with - but Him.

I've asked for Providence and Strength ~ I've received Providence while I am still cultivating my reserves of Strength. I've received much grace, mercy and favour. Without these opportunities of employment during my time here, I cannot imagine how I would sustain myself till today.

I realised I was wasting my effort, by not being 100% present and contented with my decision.
Life's really not about the monetary aspects - it is my need to control and plan that is making my life difficult. It's a constant struggle to just let life unfolds by itself.

###

Shared a conversation with Steph today, and it hit me that no matter how fortunate and well-off others may seem to be, there are constant struggles and battles that I may never know. I am (really) not alone.

She's so beautiful. I feel like I need to protect and guide her; like the sister I've never had. I hope our friendship will be able to grow.

###

Every day that I wake up with my next breath is a blessing. I may lose this breath anytime, in my sleep ~ (considering how bad my snoring problem is!). So every day that I wake up alive deserves to be celebrated, with gratitude to my Maker. I ask for enough time to repay the love, trust and sacrifice that my loved ones have done for me. Enough time to honour my parents and celebrate my love for my friends and my life.

So, thank you. I appreciate your protection; allowing me to walk in your confidence and leaning onto your strength.

xx

Easter Friday

Hello April.
It feels like you've come too early. I am still reeling from the fear and anticipation when I left the Changi Airport. I've lost count of the months to come before I pack my bags.

Maybe I don't want to think about it - because I don't know if I can go on for that long. Time is relative, isn't it?

It's time to re-prioritise the reasons why i am here:
- to get my degree, and a good one too.
I am sick of being average. Of being not good enough for some companies be it physically or academically.

- to sort out my emotions
Like how i always wanted to get away, and now that I am away, I love the lack of responsibilities except for myself. It's great - but also a little empty. I need to balance this. I am not alone, that i know. It's all about adjusting.

- to forgive
There are a few people who've disappointed me badly. Hang on, actually, they didn't. I gave them too much credit for what they're worth. Another lesson learnt on my end. Don't expect anyone to give what I am ready to offer.

- to be positive
I am trying very hard to stay positive - because this is the only way I can go on. I am leaning a lot towards God, because He's all that I've now. I do feel stronger, even for a while. What I always hold on is that God will never abandon me - even if it feels like I am all alone, i needed to go through that to be better. Like a test of fire. Do you think that I am being deluded by thinking like that? I do want to believe that the Kingdom of God is real.  (And i've never believe in Santa Claus).

###

The world is only what i made it out to be. I only have myself now and God as my beacon.

Hello there, it's been a while

I've been in Melbourne for over a month now. I think what i really wanted when i first got here was to get a job, and i told myself, once i've a job, i'll be okay.

Now that I've a job, i am thinking about the exorbitant tuition fees of A$9.5k per semester and how I am going to manage that. I didn't plan much, as you can tell, i just know that I wanted to do this degree. Definitely not advisable.

So, that's like the constant worry that's eating into me. But i choose to believe that I can manage it somehow, one way or the other.

I can overcome, because I am working to make sure that I can sustain myself financially. I am watching how i spend and eat. I haven't shopped (except for groceries!). And i stretched every single dollar.

###

I want to make this time here a time of self-rejuvenation. A time of self-discovery. I will be forgiving to myself, and I will not pine for what I do not have (even though i daydream a lot about the things that I don't have).

I realise the important of savings - and how i had frittered every single cent that i've made in the past 6 years, believing that if i die the next day, I will be satisfied that I've lived the life I wanted. Huge mistake too. :p

I will pray that I will be supported by this casual job, and I'll pray for guidance from above, to get to where I am supposed to be, and to be who I am meant to be.

I believe in the possibility of miracles, and the miracles of God.

###

I miss my friends - I know that friendships can survive over different hemispheres and distances only if effort is made to connect. I sometimes imagine what would life be without these few people in my life, and it made me feel very empty. I didn't like that feeling.

###
I do feel like I am fighting a battle sometimes - but this is perfect. It will mould me to be stronger, when i make my foray into other cities.

Keep close.
Be with me.

xoxo

Passing on

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

So, after that painful and heart-wrenching week, a void sets in and every little thing hurts and feel raw. Awfully raw.

It wasn't a perfect relationship - but it is still a relationship that held a meaning in my life. We had our disagreements and I had my resentments - and those were just childish and angry thoughts & acts brought upon by immaturity.

We had our good moments too - that one time when i bought lunch for the 3 old ladies @ Cathay, and i felt like an adult with them for once. I had another lunch with them - and the old ladies accommodated my preference to dine @ the szechuan court for i had an awful temper and they know how i would flare up if i didn't get what i want? That trip to Bangkok when I was 15. That particular strawberry ice-cream that she knows i love. How she entrusted me with the baby cousins and i felt so useful & needed, being a care-giver when i was 7 years old, when i was a teenager again. How i changed claudyne's diapers @ the back seat when she was driving her red car to pick up the eldest cousin from her school. How she would complained of how bad cavin smelt after a day of playing in the fields and it made me so mad then. How she would caught me helping myself to the petty cash to buy erasers with various scents, marbles, silly letterpads with bad english on them. How i would make tuna sandwiches with hotdogs and omelette to sell in the canteen. How i would play with the ice in the canteen's ice-cream fridge only to be scolded when the fridge wasn't cold enough. How she would buy lunch for my father on the occasional thursdays. On how i would hear her voice booming before she arrives at the doorstep.


###

I woke up today, trying to string all these memories together. I drifted in and out of sleep believing that nothing has changed. But everything has changed beyond control. So, we can't go back now - but we can make the future better. By believing that love never dies. By believing that she's in a better place now where there will be no heartaches, worries or sadness.

So Shakespeare said,

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

Adieu. 

Love, in a nutshell

I've always had this image in my mind, of how falling in love would be like. Floaty. Like the sea-angel.

###

I would feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. With my hair always in place, and i will smell of roses + vanilla, naturally no less. Without the oily sheen on my skin, so that my cheeks and forehead are always kissable. Where i will wear the most beautiful pointy heels and never tire even if i were to be walking on cobblestone. Never have sweaty palms when i hold his hand on a hot summer night. Where sex (or making love as some would like it to be known) will be beautiful, slow and with my kind of music playing; gentle and fulfilling - complementing the rhythm at which two souls find their union and pleasure. That's of course, unrealistic.

###

The kind of love that i feel of the people around me are full of responsibilities, obligations & resentment. Why?

Am i asking for too much? Do i need to look like every skinny girl on the streets before i come across someone who would see me and embrace my difference? My loud thoughts? My overwhelming sense of love?

The fragility of love and life cannot be emphasised enough. Why don't people treasure what they have until they've lost it? Why do i feel like i am the better choice for you? And that you were indeed, meant for me?

Love, is not about possession. I don't need to have you, to know that i love you. Just to make you happy - makes me happy. Perhaps, this love will die eventually, but for know, i hope that you will let me shower you with this care and love that oozes out of my every pore. You're the one who keeps me going. Really.

Grandma

Everyday, i will make a call to my grandma. Just to hear her voice. To check on her, that she's all right, eating well, takes her medication.

I wish i could spend more time with her. Or put a pinhole camera in her home so that i know exactly what she's up to, and just in case she feels unwell.

Is this love gone overboard?

Hello there ~ I am still here

I believe that I can make this work - as long as i work hard. There will not be anyone to put me down because i know i can rise about all. 

Your Bable

I lost that connection. You're written off. Good bye.