Easter Friday

Hello April.
It feels like you've come too early. I am still reeling from the fear and anticipation when I left the Changi Airport. I've lost count of the months to come before I pack my bags.

Maybe I don't want to think about it - because I don't know if I can go on for that long. Time is relative, isn't it?

It's time to re-prioritise the reasons why i am here:
- to get my degree, and a good one too.
I am sick of being average. Of being not good enough for some companies be it physically or academically.

- to sort out my emotions
Like how i always wanted to get away, and now that I am away, I love the lack of responsibilities except for myself. It's great - but also a little empty. I need to balance this. I am not alone, that i know. It's all about adjusting.

- to forgive
There are a few people who've disappointed me badly. Hang on, actually, they didn't. I gave them too much credit for what they're worth. Another lesson learnt on my end. Don't expect anyone to give what I am ready to offer.

- to be positive
I am trying very hard to stay positive - because this is the only way I can go on. I am leaning a lot towards God, because He's all that I've now. I do feel stronger, even for a while. What I always hold on is that God will never abandon me - even if it feels like I am all alone, i needed to go through that to be better. Like a test of fire. Do you think that I am being deluded by thinking like that? I do want to believe that the Kingdom of God is real.  (And i've never believe in Santa Claus).

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The world is only what i made it out to be. I only have myself now and God as my beacon.

Hello there, it's been a while

I've been in Melbourne for over a month now. I think what i really wanted when i first got here was to get a job, and i told myself, once i've a job, i'll be okay.

Now that I've a job, i am thinking about the exorbitant tuition fees of A$9.5k per semester and how I am going to manage that. I didn't plan much, as you can tell, i just know that I wanted to do this degree. Definitely not advisable.

So, that's like the constant worry that's eating into me. But i choose to believe that I can manage it somehow, one way or the other.

I can overcome, because I am working to make sure that I can sustain myself financially. I am watching how i spend and eat. I haven't shopped (except for groceries!). And i stretched every single dollar.

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I want to make this time here a time of self-rejuvenation. A time of self-discovery. I will be forgiving to myself, and I will not pine for what I do not have (even though i daydream a lot about the things that I don't have).

I realise the important of savings - and how i had frittered every single cent that i've made in the past 6 years, believing that if i die the next day, I will be satisfied that I've lived the life I wanted. Huge mistake too. :p

I will pray that I will be supported by this casual job, and I'll pray for guidance from above, to get to where I am supposed to be, and to be who I am meant to be.

I believe in the possibility of miracles, and the miracles of God.

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I miss my friends - I know that friendships can survive over different hemispheres and distances only if effort is made to connect. I sometimes imagine what would life be without these few people in my life, and it made me feel very empty. I didn't like that feeling.

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I do feel like I am fighting a battle sometimes - but this is perfect. It will mould me to be stronger, when i make my foray into other cities.

Keep close.
Be with me.

xoxo

Passing on

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

So, after that painful and heart-wrenching week, a void sets in and every little thing hurts and feel raw. Awfully raw.

It wasn't a perfect relationship - but it is still a relationship that held a meaning in my life. We had our disagreements and I had my resentments - and those were just childish and angry thoughts & acts brought upon by immaturity.

We had our good moments too - that one time when i bought lunch for the 3 old ladies @ Cathay, and i felt like an adult with them for once. I had another lunch with them - and the old ladies accommodated my preference to dine @ the szechuan court for i had an awful temper and they know how i would flare up if i didn't get what i want? That trip to Bangkok when I was 15. That particular strawberry ice-cream that she knows i love. How she entrusted me with the baby cousins and i felt so useful & needed, being a care-giver when i was 7 years old, when i was a teenager again. How i changed claudyne's diapers @ the back seat when she was driving her red car to pick up the eldest cousin from her school. How she would complained of how bad cavin smelt after a day of playing in the fields and it made me so mad then. How she would caught me helping myself to the petty cash to buy erasers with various scents, marbles, silly letterpads with bad english on them. How i would make tuna sandwiches with hotdogs and omelette to sell in the canteen. How i would play with the ice in the canteen's ice-cream fridge only to be scolded when the fridge wasn't cold enough. How she would buy lunch for my father on the occasional thursdays. On how i would hear her voice booming before she arrives at the doorstep.


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I woke up today, trying to string all these memories together. I drifted in and out of sleep believing that nothing has changed. But everything has changed beyond control. So, we can't go back now - but we can make the future better. By believing that love never dies. By believing that she's in a better place now where there will be no heartaches, worries or sadness.

So Shakespeare said,

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

Adieu. 

Love, in a nutshell

I've always had this image in my mind, of how falling in love would be like. Floaty. Like the sea-angel.

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I would feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. With my hair always in place, and i will smell of roses + vanilla, naturally no less. Without the oily sheen on my skin, so that my cheeks and forehead are always kissable. Where i will wear the most beautiful pointy heels and never tire even if i were to be walking on cobblestone. Never have sweaty palms when i hold his hand on a hot summer night. Where sex (or making love as some would like it to be known) will be beautiful, slow and with my kind of music playing; gentle and fulfilling - complementing the rhythm at which two souls find their union and pleasure. That's of course, unrealistic.

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The kind of love that i feel of the people around me are full of responsibilities, obligations & resentment. Why?

Am i asking for too much? Do i need to look like every skinny girl on the streets before i come across someone who would see me and embrace my difference? My loud thoughts? My overwhelming sense of love?

The fragility of love and life cannot be emphasised enough. Why don't people treasure what they have until they've lost it? Why do i feel like i am the better choice for you? And that you were indeed, meant for me?

Love, is not about possession. I don't need to have you, to know that i love you. Just to make you happy - makes me happy. Perhaps, this love will die eventually, but for know, i hope that you will let me shower you with this care and love that oozes out of my every pore. You're the one who keeps me going. Really.

Grandma

Everyday, i will make a call to my grandma. Just to hear her voice. To check on her, that she's all right, eating well, takes her medication.

I wish i could spend more time with her. Or put a pinhole camera in her home so that i know exactly what she's up to, and just in case she feels unwell.

Is this love gone overboard?

Hello there ~ I am still here

I believe that I can make this work - as long as i work hard. There will not be anyone to put me down because i know i can rise about all. 

Your Bable

I lost that connection. You're written off. Good bye.

Monday on a Tuesday

I don't want to be a friend who has to say sorry just because you're not in the right frame of mind.
I don't want to be a friend who has to bow down just because you think you're the only one having a tough time.
I don't want to be a friend who has to take all in just because I am always seen to be the stronger one.

In fact, just because i speak louder, am confrontational, and more willing to defend my stance - i am being seen as defensive and headstrong. If i don't protect what i believe is right, no one will.

In fact, I am disappointed that you could assume that i "assumed you're having a fine & dainty time". That was never part of the intention, nor did it even cross my mind. How could you?

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Like what they say, life has to go on.

My Bucket List

This is not a to-do list. It's a guideline of sorts - and it will change along the way. Life is about working with what you have and making the best out of everything you've. So, here is my humble little list - for me to recreate my own life. Baby steps, before it grows to 100.

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After much self-reflection, i realise no matter how much i love my friends, there are some emotions that no one can ever understand. Like the friend who assumes that she knows me and reads my text message the way she thinks she knows me, i am disappointed and yet, elated that i've proven myself right - no one will love and know me as much as I do.

So, i will live and care for myself first, before i want to go out of my way for others. Put simply, people don't remember the good and the not-so-bad bits that one has. Face it.

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1. Complete my degree

2. Live in a new city for at least 2 years, every other 5 years ideally until i find a city i truly love.

3. Fall in love

4. Watch the Niagara Falls

5. Visit South Africa for at least 2 weeks

6. Write a fictional book & have it published

7. Own at least $250,000 in cash by the time I turn 38. Let’s worry about the currency later. :)

8. Learn to drive

9. Be at my ideal weight before I turn 30

10. Have a photo exhibition of the people I love

11. Learn two new languages before I turn 40

12. Own my own place before I turn 36

13. Have a job that I truly enjoy [again] (after accomplishing point no. 1)

14. Start my own business (or have a sideline)

15. Cook really well and to own a signature dish

16. Have the courage to do a brazilian wax

17. Watch Oprah Winfrey LIVE

18. Learn how to dance tango

19. Visit Disneyland with the people I love

20. Visit Paris before I turn 30 (with my mother)

21. Be debt-free by the time I turn 32

22. Bring my parents for a holiday they’ll never forget

23. Make my own fruit preserves

24. Host a party for the people I love – just because.

25. Attend a yoga holiday every once a year when I am officially debt-free

26. Have a family portrait taken when the baby niece is due

27. Have dinner @ El Bulli, Rose (Spain)

28. Have dinner @ The French Laundry, California (U.S.A)

29. Write to my favourite Advanced PR teacher from Ngee Ann Poly at least once a year (just so that she won’t forget about me)

A perfect Wednesday

Only because i couldn't tell this to anyone who really cares to listen.

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It was 07:58hrs, 16 September 2009.

I have never left work that early. And i was even planning to take the public transport, instead of the private bus. I walked forward to a less crowded spot and i said a silent prayer as i always do in the morning.

"Dear Lord, please forgive me for my sins. I thank you for this day ~ let this day be good."

And then, a familiar car whoosed past.

I immediately reached into my bag to whip out my blackberry, with the intention to text a "good morning" to the driver of the familiar car which just past by me and instead, he was calling on the line. *beams*

"R.Y. I JUST SAW U! Walk on down and i will send u to work" - he didn't even wait for my reply and the line was hung up. I didn't mind.

I waited for a while until he appeared. As he was walking down towards his car, he looked more suave than i remember. Full of fatherly love towards his beautiful daughter. Full of manly charm. And he smells so good in the morning (not that he smells at any other times of the day) but in the morning, his scent was particularly pleasant.

The ride to work ended too soon.