Sunday, November 8, 2009

Passing on

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

So, after that painful and heart-wrenching week, a void sets in and every little thing hurts and feel raw. Awfully raw.

It wasn't a perfect relationship - but it is still a relationship that held a meaning in my life. We had our disagreements and I had my resentments - and those were just childish and angry thoughts & acts brought upon by immaturity.

We had our good moments too - that one time when i bought lunch for the 3 old ladies @ Cathay, and i felt like an adult with them for once. I had another lunch with them - and the old ladies accommodated my preference to dine @ the szechuan court for i had an awful temper and they know how i would flare up if i didn't get what i want? That trip to Bangkok when I was 15. That particular strawberry ice-cream that she knows i love. How she entrusted me with the baby cousins and i felt so useful & needed, being a care-giver when i was 7 years old, when i was a teenager again. How i changed claudyne's diapers @ the back seat when she was driving her red car to pick up the eldest cousin from her school. How she would complained of how bad cavin smelt after a day of playing in the fields and it made me so mad then. How she would caught me helping myself to the petty cash to buy erasers with various scents, marbles, silly letterpads with bad english on them. How i would make tuna sandwiches with hotdogs and omelette to sell in the canteen. How i would play with the ice in the canteen's ice-cream fridge only to be scolded when the fridge wasn't cold enough. How she would buy lunch for my father on the occasional thursdays. On how i would hear her voice booming before she arrives at the doorstep.


I woke up today, trying to string all these memories together. I drifted in and out of sleep believing that nothing has changed. But everything has changed beyond control. So, we can't go back now - but we can make the future better. By believing that love never dies. By believing that she's in a better place now where there will be no heartaches, worries or sadness.

So Shakespeare said,

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;