Love and Sacrifice

Every day, i wake up wondering how am I going to ensure that I am going to make every waking hour matter, monetarily. It was a reaction that stemmed from the need for survival.

I was struggling between spending my Sundays working vs going for my faith formation class and having missed two classes, the onset of guilt didn't help. The saddest part? I wasn't even productive at work.

Last Sunday, I decided to go for the faith formation class - because, I have been very well-taken care of Him. I was struggling and I had no one to share this fear and uncertainty with - but Him.

I've asked for Providence and Strength ~ I've received Providence while I am still cultivating my reserves of Strength. I've received much grace, mercy and favour. Without these opportunities of employment during my time here, I cannot imagine how I would sustain myself till today.

I realised I was wasting my effort, by not being 100% present and contented with my decision.
Life's really not about the monetary aspects - it is my need to control and plan that is making my life difficult. It's a constant struggle to just let life unfolds by itself.

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Shared a conversation with Steph today, and it hit me that no matter how fortunate and well-off others may seem to be, there are constant struggles and battles that I may never know. I am (really) not alone.

She's so beautiful. I feel like I need to protect and guide her; like the sister I've never had. I hope our friendship will be able to grow.

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Every day that I wake up with my next breath is a blessing. I may lose this breath anytime, in my sleep ~ (considering how bad my snoring problem is!). So every day that I wake up alive deserves to be celebrated, with gratitude to my Maker. I ask for enough time to repay the love, trust and sacrifice that my loved ones have done for me. Enough time to honour my parents and celebrate my love for my friends and my life.

So, thank you. I appreciate your protection; allowing me to walk in your confidence and leaning onto your strength.

xx

Easter Friday

Hello April.
It feels like you've come too early. I am still reeling from the fear and anticipation when I left the Changi Airport. I've lost count of the months to come before I pack my bags.

Maybe I don't want to think about it - because I don't know if I can go on for that long. Time is relative, isn't it?

It's time to re-prioritise the reasons why i am here:
- to get my degree, and a good one too.
I am sick of being average. Of being not good enough for some companies be it physically or academically.

- to sort out my emotions
Like how i always wanted to get away, and now that I am away, I love the lack of responsibilities except for myself. It's great - but also a little empty. I need to balance this. I am not alone, that i know. It's all about adjusting.

- to forgive
There are a few people who've disappointed me badly. Hang on, actually, they didn't. I gave them too much credit for what they're worth. Another lesson learnt on my end. Don't expect anyone to give what I am ready to offer.

- to be positive
I am trying very hard to stay positive - because this is the only way I can go on. I am leaning a lot towards God, because He's all that I've now. I do feel stronger, even for a while. What I always hold on is that God will never abandon me - even if it feels like I am all alone, i needed to go through that to be better. Like a test of fire. Do you think that I am being deluded by thinking like that? I do want to believe that the Kingdom of God is real.  (And i've never believe in Santa Claus).

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The world is only what i made it out to be. I only have myself now and God as my beacon.

Hello there, it's been a while

I've been in Melbourne for over a month now. I think what i really wanted when i first got here was to get a job, and i told myself, once i've a job, i'll be okay.

Now that I've a job, i am thinking about the exorbitant tuition fees of A$9.5k per semester and how I am going to manage that. I didn't plan much, as you can tell, i just know that I wanted to do this degree. Definitely not advisable.

So, that's like the constant worry that's eating into me. But i choose to believe that I can manage it somehow, one way or the other.

I can overcome, because I am working to make sure that I can sustain myself financially. I am watching how i spend and eat. I haven't shopped (except for groceries!). And i stretched every single dollar.

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I want to make this time here a time of self-rejuvenation. A time of self-discovery. I will be forgiving to myself, and I will not pine for what I do not have (even though i daydream a lot about the things that I don't have).

I realise the important of savings - and how i had frittered every single cent that i've made in the past 6 years, believing that if i die the next day, I will be satisfied that I've lived the life I wanted. Huge mistake too. :p

I will pray that I will be supported by this casual job, and I'll pray for guidance from above, to get to where I am supposed to be, and to be who I am meant to be.

I believe in the possibility of miracles, and the miracles of God.

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I miss my friends - I know that friendships can survive over different hemispheres and distances only if effort is made to connect. I sometimes imagine what would life be without these few people in my life, and it made me feel very empty. I didn't like that feeling.

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I do feel like I am fighting a battle sometimes - but this is perfect. It will mould me to be stronger, when i make my foray into other cities.

Keep close.
Be with me.

xoxo