Passing on

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

So, after that painful and heart-wrenching week, a void sets in and every little thing hurts and feel raw. Awfully raw.

It wasn't a perfect relationship - but it is still a relationship that held a meaning in my life. We had our disagreements and I had my resentments - and those were just childish and angry thoughts & acts brought upon by immaturity.

We had our good moments too - that one time when i bought lunch for the 3 old ladies @ Cathay, and i felt like an adult with them for once. I had another lunch with them - and the old ladies accommodated my preference to dine @ the szechuan court for i had an awful temper and they know how i would flare up if i didn't get what i want? That trip to Bangkok when I was 15. That particular strawberry ice-cream that she knows i love. How she entrusted me with the baby cousins and i felt so useful & needed, being a care-giver when i was 7 years old, when i was a teenager again. How i changed claudyne's diapers @ the back seat when she was driving her red car to pick up the eldest cousin from her school. How she would complained of how bad cavin smelt after a day of playing in the fields and it made me so mad then. How she would caught me helping myself to the petty cash to buy erasers with various scents, marbles, silly letterpads with bad english on them. How i would make tuna sandwiches with hotdogs and omelette to sell in the canteen. How i would play with the ice in the canteen's ice-cream fridge only to be scolded when the fridge wasn't cold enough. How she would buy lunch for my father on the occasional thursdays. On how i would hear her voice booming before she arrives at the doorstep.


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I woke up today, trying to string all these memories together. I drifted in and out of sleep believing that nothing has changed. But everything has changed beyond control. So, we can't go back now - but we can make the future better. By believing that love never dies. By believing that she's in a better place now where there will be no heartaches, worries or sadness.

So Shakespeare said,

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

Adieu. 

Love, in a nutshell

I've always had this image in my mind, of how falling in love would be like. Floaty. Like the sea-angel.

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I would feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. With my hair always in place, and i will smell of roses + vanilla, naturally no less. Without the oily sheen on my skin, so that my cheeks and forehead are always kissable. Where i will wear the most beautiful pointy heels and never tire even if i were to be walking on cobblestone. Never have sweaty palms when i hold his hand on a hot summer night. Where sex (or making love as some would like it to be known) will be beautiful, slow and with my kind of music playing; gentle and fulfilling - complementing the rhythm at which two souls find their union and pleasure. That's of course, unrealistic.

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The kind of love that i feel of the people around me are full of responsibilities, obligations & resentment. Why?

Am i asking for too much? Do i need to look like every skinny girl on the streets before i come across someone who would see me and embrace my difference? My loud thoughts? My overwhelming sense of love?

The fragility of love and life cannot be emphasised enough. Why don't people treasure what they have until they've lost it? Why do i feel like i am the better choice for you? And that you were indeed, meant for me?

Love, is not about possession. I don't need to have you, to know that i love you. Just to make you happy - makes me happy. Perhaps, this love will die eventually, but for know, i hope that you will let me shower you with this care and love that oozes out of my every pore. You're the one who keeps me going. Really.

Grandma

Everyday, i will make a call to my grandma. Just to hear her voice. To check on her, that she's all right, eating well, takes her medication.

I wish i could spend more time with her. Or put a pinhole camera in her home so that i know exactly what she's up to, and just in case she feels unwell.

Is this love gone overboard?

Hello there ~ I am still here

I believe that I can make this work - as long as i work hard. There will not be anyone to put me down because i know i can rise about all. 

Your Bable

I lost that connection. You're written off. Good bye.

Monday on a Tuesday

I don't want to be a friend who has to say sorry just because you're not in the right frame of mind.
I don't want to be a friend who has to bow down just because you think you're the only one having a tough time.
I don't want to be a friend who has to take all in just because I am always seen to be the stronger one.

In fact, just because i speak louder, am confrontational, and more willing to defend my stance - i am being seen as defensive and headstrong. If i don't protect what i believe is right, no one will.

In fact, I am disappointed that you could assume that i "assumed you're having a fine & dainty time". That was never part of the intention, nor did it even cross my mind. How could you?

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Like what they say, life has to go on.

My Bucket List

This is not a to-do list. It's a guideline of sorts - and it will change along the way. Life is about working with what you have and making the best out of everything you've. So, here is my humble little list - for me to recreate my own life. Baby steps, before it grows to 100.

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After much self-reflection, i realise no matter how much i love my friends, there are some emotions that no one can ever understand. Like the friend who assumes that she knows me and reads my text message the way she thinks she knows me, i am disappointed and yet, elated that i've proven myself right - no one will love and know me as much as I do.

So, i will live and care for myself first, before i want to go out of my way for others. Put simply, people don't remember the good and the not-so-bad bits that one has. Face it.

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1. Complete my degree

2. Live in a new city for at least 2 years, every other 5 years ideally until i find a city i truly love.

3. Fall in love

4. Watch the Niagara Falls

5. Visit South Africa for at least 2 weeks

6. Write a fictional book & have it published

7. Own at least $250,000 in cash by the time I turn 38. Let’s worry about the currency later. :)

8. Learn to drive

9. Be at my ideal weight before I turn 30

10. Have a photo exhibition of the people I love

11. Learn two new languages before I turn 40

12. Own my own place before I turn 36

13. Have a job that I truly enjoy [again] (after accomplishing point no. 1)

14. Start my own business (or have a sideline)

15. Cook really well and to own a signature dish

16. Have the courage to do a brazilian wax

17. Watch Oprah Winfrey LIVE

18. Learn how to dance tango

19. Visit Disneyland with the people I love

20. Visit Paris before I turn 30 (with my mother)

21. Be debt-free by the time I turn 32

22. Bring my parents for a holiday they’ll never forget

23. Make my own fruit preserves

24. Host a party for the people I love – just because.

25. Attend a yoga holiday every once a year when I am officially debt-free

26. Have a family portrait taken when the baby niece is due

27. Have dinner @ El Bulli, Rose (Spain)

28. Have dinner @ The French Laundry, California (U.S.A)

29. Write to my favourite Advanced PR teacher from Ngee Ann Poly at least once a year (just so that she won’t forget about me)

A perfect Wednesday

Only because i couldn't tell this to anyone who really cares to listen.

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It was 07:58hrs, 16 September 2009.

I have never left work that early. And i was even planning to take the public transport, instead of the private bus. I walked forward to a less crowded spot and i said a silent prayer as i always do in the morning.

"Dear Lord, please forgive me for my sins. I thank you for this day ~ let this day be good."

And then, a familiar car whoosed past.

I immediately reached into my bag to whip out my blackberry, with the intention to text a "good morning" to the driver of the familiar car which just past by me and instead, he was calling on the line. *beams*

"R.Y. I JUST SAW U! Walk on down and i will send u to work" - he didn't even wait for my reply and the line was hung up. I didn't mind.

I waited for a while until he appeared. As he was walking down towards his car, he looked more suave than i remember. Full of fatherly love towards his beautiful daughter. Full of manly charm. And he smells so good in the morning (not that he smells at any other times of the day) but in the morning, his scent was particularly pleasant.

The ride to work ended too soon.

Today, I will walk on my own

I hope you know that you make your own path. You choose the life you want to lead.

I choose to have a meaningful life - where i will do my bestest so that i can achieve more, go further and explore what this world has to offer.

Don't make me feel responsible for you. I do not owe you and neither do you own me. Yes, i love you but this love shouldn't trap me.

I thank you for everything - and i hope you're happy for me, because this is really what i want for myself.

xoxo

Reflections...

If there is a reason for everything to be the way they're, I thank God for putting me in this place - where I've learnt more than what I've bargained for. 

I am grateful for everyday that I wake up to, because who knows when I might slip away. 

I am indeed, blessed: 

For my family whom i fiercely love despite all the shortcomings;

For the girls who complete me, and put up with me. I get mad, disappointed and annoyed, as they do with me too. And I am grateful for the forgiveness received and love dispensed. 

For the people I work with; who trust me, encourage and share a part of their lives with me. We get chuffed by each other sometimes, but ultimately, please know that I respect you with a capital R

Life is never easy, and it is only with hope and faith that i am able to get through the difficulties and challenges. Be with me. 

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Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

Something for everyone

So here i lay myself bare...on what matters to me.
I hope you will love me as much as i love you, because, the more i love you, the more it hurts - when you don't seem to know. Or care.

xoxo

Black-tie

So yesterday was the first black-tie event i've attended. 

Had a blast people-watching. I am not made for high-society but i think i camo quite well.

Food was all right, Laura Fygi was wonderful, and the company was great. 

:)

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I wonder all the time, on how is it like to be part of somebody's life... and i find it hard to settle for less. Until i find you.

Storming thru

Ripplevox, pick me to trial StarHub’s BlackBerry® Storm smartphone because I am a total crackberry, oops, i mean, blackberry fanatic! I use it for work (i am not complaining @ all!), personal (my friends don't understand why i absolutely love the bb). The BB is the greatest thing to be created after sliced bread and airconditioning!! I even sleep with my bb *that's two of them* but i am absolutely loyal to RIM/BB in general. (ref to picture above: left-handside bb belongs to the younger brother. The Curve is my personal phone, and the BB8707G is from the office). 

The Storm will be in good hands, definitely. I promise!

Back to School ~

I really do want to make it back to school. To carve out a better life for myself. 

This has to happen. I will make it happen. 

I will stick with this until i hear more about it from you.

Horsing Around

I really hate to be seen as horsing around - but i don't think all the travelling i've done is a waste of money and time.

I don't have a good relationship with money - i don't know how to keep it with me. So it goes into everything else that i enjoy doing.

Don't tell me how to save. My plans will work out by themselves. No one has ever died from a lack of savings - there will always be avenues to fund one thing or the other. Financial independence is important, i know. I have some savings. Never enough for the big plans but i have faith that everything will work out eventually. I can't always be planning for the future and not enjoy the present yes?

So, let me live this path that i've chosen.

Going all the way

It's time to do this for me and eventually, do what's the best for you and I.
I hope that you will stand by me. I will come back to you still, like how a dog will never forget its owner.