Sunday, November 8, 2009
So, after that painful and heart-wrenching week, a void sets in and every little thing hurts and feel raw. Awfully raw.
It wasn't a perfect relationship - but it is still a relationship that held a meaning in my life. We had our disagreements and I had my resentments - and those were just childish and angry thoughts & acts brought upon by immaturity.
We had our good moments too - that one time when i bought lunch for the 3 old ladies @ Cathay, and i felt like an adult with them for once. I had another lunch with them - and the old ladies accommodated my preference to dine @ the szechuan court for i had an awful temper and they know how i would flare up if i didn't get what i want? That trip to Bangkok when I was 15. That particular strawberry ice-cream that she knows i love. How she entrusted me with the baby cousins and i felt so useful & needed, being a care-giver when i was 7 years old, when i was a teenager again. How i changed claudyne's diapers @ the back seat when she was driving her red car to pick up the eldest cousin from her school. How she would complained of how bad cavin smelt after a day of playing in the fields and it made me so mad then. How she would caught me helping myself to the petty cash to buy erasers with various scents, marbles, silly letterpads with bad english on them. How i would make tuna sandwiches with hotdogs and omelette to sell in the canteen. How i would play with the ice in the canteen's ice-cream fridge only to be scolded when the fridge wasn't cold enough. How she would buy lunch for my father on the occasional thursdays. On how i would hear her voice booming before she arrives at the doorstep.
I woke up today, trying to string all these memories together. I drifted in and out of sleep believing that nothing has changed. But everything has changed beyond control. So, we can't go back now - but we can make the future better. By believing that love never dies. By believing that she's in a better place now where there will be no heartaches, worries or sadness.
So Shakespeare said,
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I wish i could spend more time with her. Or put a pinhole camera in her home so that i know exactly what she's up to, and just in case she feels unwell.
Is this love gone overboard?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I don't want to be a friend who has to bow down just because you think you're the only one having a tough time.
I don't want to be a friend who has to take all in just because I am always seen to be the stronger one.
In fact, just because i speak louder, am confrontational, and more willing to defend my stance - i am being seen as defensive and headstrong. If i don't protect what i believe is right, no one will.
In fact, I am disappointed that you could assume that i "assumed you're having a fine & dainty time". That was never part of the intention, nor did it even cross my mind. How could you?
Like what they say, life has to go on.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
A Time for Everything1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I don't have a good relationship with money - i don't know how to keep it with me. So it goes into everything else that i enjoy doing.
Don't tell me how to save. My plans will work out by themselves. No one has ever died from a lack of savings - there will always be avenues to fund one thing or the other. Financial independence is important, i know. I have some savings. Never enough for the big plans but i have faith that everything will work out eventually. I can't always be planning for the future and not enjoy the present yes?
So, let me live this path that i've chosen.